Recertifying--More or Less (part 5)

Posted on Sun Feb 10th, 2019 @ 9:12pm by Lieutenant Commander Mira Jayde & Lieutenant Commander Jason Smoak
Edited on on Sun Feb 10th, 2019 @ 9:13pm

1,752 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Ghost of a Chance: Epilogue
Location: Holodeck
Timeline: [BACKPOST]

CONTINUED]

[OLD]

"That is one interpretation, and stunning the room would have given you an easy way, but since when has stunning the hostage been a better strategy? Plus, you had no way of knowing if she was rigged with some kind of fail safe which would prevent or threaten her life due to it." Jason replied as he walked toward the desk and leaned against it. "I know I don't have to say this, because it should be something you should know already, but until you walked in that door your instincts is all you had to rely on and you used them well, up until the end." He paused a bit before adding. "And, you're right, it wasn't an assignment for one person, but I never said it was just for you did I? I was there with you and allowed you the lead from the moment we started, even telling you before it started, I would be there for you. Despite our differences, that has never changed. You choose to do this all by yourself. This scenario wasn't about just re-certification. If it were just that, you nailed it, even with the way it ended. This was about see if you were ready to work with me. That's something, as the new Chief Sec., I need to know. And before you accuse me of setting you up to fail, pay attention, because I gave you ever sign I would be by your side. If this was a solo thing I would never have grabbed a phaser, given you a staff that has nothing to do with your re-certification, or have told you several time you had the lead." He paused for a moment and stopped leaning off the table and walked to the frozen man with the phaser. He fought the urge to him him. "This can happen. It has happened and I don't want to see it repeat itself, Jayde. To you it was just a test, but to some, its truth."

[NEW]

No, she never saw this as Jason wanting to see if she would work with him. Everything he said could have been taken in several ways. She chose one. Clearly it was the wrong one. "I have taken tests like this for years. They were always about how one person handled a set situation. Why would I think this one was any different?" she asked. "I did not think your words were about the test, but about the past. And how was I to know you were there to help me, and not to pick up the pieces when I failed? You did lower the safeties. It seemed to me that you were there to make sure I did not get hurt because you expected me to fail. If you wanted to know if I was willing to work with you, you should have asked. I am not in the habit of lying. Everything I have said to you has been the truth. I came here wanting to put the past behind us, to move forward. Apparently you will not believe me until I prove it to you in some way." She set the phaser down on the table. "And so, once again, I failed."

"Is that so?" Jason replied quickly before saying. "Because the moment I got here you have been really hesitant to talk to me, let alone, look at me for longer than a couple of minutes. And that talk we had on the holodeck, isn't a clear indicator that you were ready to put the past behind us. In fact, you and me, can't seem to forget the past because you're still convinced that what happened between us was part of my job to take down your Maquis cell." He walked toward her. "I know you, Elf. I know a lowing the safeties never bothered you. We used to do it all the time and the doctor used to hate having to patch us up because of it. So, why would I feel the need to play hero for someone I know can handle herself. I told you once all this started it was all paperwork and you insisted it was about testing yourself. So are you pissed at me for now being obvious enough of because you failed your own damn test?"

She looked at him, surprised at his words. "You have no idea what I think or feel. I am not the person I was twenty years ago, Jason. Neither are you. If there is to be anything moving forward that must be understood and accepted." She looked at him for a long moment and waved her hand at the room. "Every time I do something like this, I test myself. I measure what I do against what I am capable of. Failure is often a better teacher than success. The outcome is not what matters. The failure is that I did not understand what you meant and you insist that means my actions were personal. My feelings are what are personal."

"You're right." Jason said throwing his arms up quickly. "It's my fault." He said as he walked away, grabbing the PADD from the table before the rest of the simulated building faded away. "Clearly, I failed here. So its really my failure, and according to you, there is a lesson here. That lesson is obviously you can do no wrong and I am horrible at my job." He walked back to her and kept his amused, but sarcastic tone, as he continued. "After all you are better than me because you've improved on yourself while I, by your understanding, keeping living in the past." He stopped in front of her, placing the PADD down at his side before finishing softly. "Here's what you don't seem to grasp. You're right and you're wrong at the same time. Here is why. I am not the same person I was. Maybe, in my eyes, I am better than who I was, but you know what doesn't change? Feeling's. Chemical reaction. Memories. Good and bad." He looked away from her, smiling slightly as a slight chuckle escaped his lips before looking back to her firmly and saying. "I can't help looking at you and feeling the way I felt when we were together. Feeling the need to hold you in my arms and take in the smell of your hair. To see that smile on your face when I used to walk into our room or that certain why you would laugh when I said something funny, even when I didn't think it was. I can't help feeling how much my chest hurts, even now, seeing that look in your face of how disappointed I make you. How, standing in the same room, makes you hate me for some reason and still I can't help but feel that way because I loved you. It wasn't part of the job, or some act, it was real. I betrayed you, all of you, and I hated being that way and couldn't stop being that way for a lot longer then I care to admit. Even now, I still hurt, but I've learned to hide it damn well." Jason looked down for a minute before looking up to her. "I can't help but feeling this way, but outside of those doors and in public, I have to be fine and pretend nothing is wrong because it can get people killed. I can get someone killed because I feel like my concern for you is bigger if it were someone else entirely. I can't help but want to be the old version of me because I think it was the better version of me and I am just pretending to be bigger than that."

"Once again, you misunderstand what I said. I am not talking about your failure, nor have I intimated that this is your fault. I do not think I am perfect, either. Far from it." She ran a hand through her hair in frustration. Why did this man get through all her layers of self-control so easily? "You do not know who I am, how I feel, or what I want. All I get from you is how disappointed you are that I am not the person I was, that I can't just throw off twenty years of change and make everything the way it was. But that does not mean it cannot be something else. But for that to happen you need to see me for who I am now, not who I was. You love the rebel Jayde who wanted to take on the world. I am not that person anymore. I have not been that person for a very long time." She paced forward a few steps and turned back. "Every time we are together you are disappointed in me. Every thing I do is a failure in your eyes. How is that moving forward? Nothing I do is right because I am not right in your eyes." Once again she indicated the holodeck with her hand. "Even in this I failed because you had a test I knew nothing about and decided that because I did not act the way you wanted me to, I failed you. Yes, I feel the same attraction, but nothing can come of it because I cannot live up to your expectations."

Jason shook his head, laughing while trying to hide his frustration, before running his hand through his hair. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before handing her the PADD. "Your results, Commander. See to it the Captain see's you passed." He began to walk away before turning around. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I need to forget about you and stop kicking myself for doing my job then and now. It's seems to be all on me anyway." He began to walk away from her. "I need to stop having so many high expectations and just accept that the old me is dead. Just like that hostage. Another memory I can't get over. Good-bye, Commander."

"That is not what I said!" she yelled and threw the PADD against the wall. Then she sank to the floor and cried.


____
OFF

Lieutenant Commander Jason Smoak
Chief Security/Tactical Officer
USS Hyperion

Lieutenant Commander Mira Jayde
Executive Officer
USS Hyperion

 

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